My Life Head On

You Know Who You Are

First off, You wanted to talk to me and not Mallory.  Second, I knew who you were right away.  Third, you have a LOT of misguided ideas about me.  Things were not how you thought they were.  You never gave me a chance. If you had, you would have seen that things were very different than what you thought.  I was shocked when just weeks after asking me to move in with him he changed his relationship to married.  I was very ticked that he hadn’t even spoken to me about it.  Yeah I had a lot going on in my life at the time, but we were old friends that would talk about everything.  When he is in a new relationship he stops talking to me.  He does it every time. Always has. IT was no different this time.  I threw a fit at him like i always do about the fact that he was not talking to me again and that I thought it was a horrible way to treat a friend.  That I wanted to meet you. I mean you were supposed to be the greatest part of my LIFE long friend’s life. Why wouldn’t I want to meet you.  When he did start talking to me he told me how great you were.  That his family liked you and that you loved your little girl and that you were into horses.  I really wanted to get to know you.  It really hurt my feelings that you chose my now ex husband to be friends with instead.  Especially when he wouldn’t have existed to you if it hadn’t been for me.  I knew things weren’t going well when he started talking to me on a regular basis.  I know him.  I tried talking to him about it.  Things weren’t going well for me either and as always he pushed to fix me and that he was fine and not to worry about him.  When things got really bad for me and I got thrown out of where I was living he was there for me.  He came and got me.  You freaked out the whole time.  All he was doing was helping get me out of a bad situation.  I’m sorry if you thought there was something else going on.  There wasn’t.  I was there and saw what you put him through.  I know that all I have is his side of your story.  Being there and seeing it is more than enough for me to see what you did to him.  I have been through that myself and I don’t blame him for responding to you the way he did.  For the record, I never slept with him. Once I was back home, we spoke for awhile and we were helping each other cope.  When we stopped talking it really was hard.  I hated it.  I still hate it.  Things since then have gotten so bad between us that we aren’t even speaking to at all anymore.  I know he lied to me over the last few months.  Quite honestly, I don’t care why he lied or even what he lied about.  I was hurt by it yet again.  The past few years of my life have taught me a lot. I really am done being hurt over useless things.  I don’t need that in my life.  I need people in my life that are going to be there for me.  Not just people that are there when it is convenient for them.  As far as guys go, if there is going to be a guy in my life that sticks he is going to be the right kind of guy for me.  I am done settling.  I won’t deal with someone who lies to me.  Yeah, I may be screwed up. I have stumbled a lot in life.  I have mad a lot of bad choices.  I don’t regret a single bit of it.  It has made me the person I am today. I am a work in progress and that is the way I like it.  As far as us being similar goes, I can’t say.  I don’t know you and you don’t know me.  It’s a shame because just a few months ago I was hoping we would be great friends for years.  Funny how things change.

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One Response to “You Know Who You Are”

  1. mlm says:

    Indeed, it is funny how things change. The story never ends the way we thought it would, especially when we start getting the missing pages of chapters that were once a mystery.

    I’m not asking you to choose a side, I knew months ago you’d choose his even if I told you my side of this horror story. Though I feel like I’ve been judged and sentenced without a fair trial by a biased jury and a crooked judge.

    I’ve been reading your blog ever since he picked you up, even after he stopped talking to you and I realized that you truly weren’t the girl that he was seeing. I think I kept reading because I empathized, with so many various parts of your story. I wish that things had been different, that we would have had a chance at friendship before my marriage hit the rocks. I didn’t choose who I talked to and who I was friends with though, I’ll make that perfectly clear. I was the black sheep of both his family and mine for many months. Your ex husband was the first person to just talk to me and not judge me, to just say that he was happy for our marriage. Much like you I only had one side of that story, I’ve since realized that it was purposefully misguided on many levels. The picture that was painted of you was far from pretty, by both your ex husband and my husband. I see why though, I hadn’t the slightest idea that you were ever going to move in with him and he knew that information wouldn’t lead any where good. So, you were demonized. I had no reason to believe anything different though, why would the man I married lie to me?

    Much like you, I stopped caring why he lied or what he was lying about because all that mattered was how much it killed me inside. I kept praying that if I loved him unconditionally that he would stop, it didn’t matter what I did though the results were always the same. My life down there was based on lies and half-truths, every day I woke up afraid of finding out another lie and there reached a point where I avoided sleep because I couldn’t take the pain of the truth sneaking up on me while my guard was down. I don’t think I ever knew the man I married, to this day he remains a stranger to me.

    I fought like hell for my marriage, he knows that whether he’ll ever admit that to anyone else or not. In the end I had to stop fighting because it was killing me from the inside out. I developed ulcers from the anxiety, I look like I’ve aged ten years in the span of one. My relationships with my friends and family will never be the same, I ruined my life for a chance at a fairy tale that never existed. Sometimes I think that it wouldn’t have mattered what we did, looking back it seems like the fates were against our union from the beginning. Maybe we both carried too many scars, maybe we both thought that marriage would save us from the pain. I’ll never pretend to know.

    What I do know though is that I gave it all I had, in the end he tried but it was too late because the damage was done. The bruises both emotional and physical were never going to be forgotten and forgivness has never been my strong suit. I had tough choices to make, I made the ones that were right for my daughter though, I couldn’t bring her into an environment that wasn’t safe physically and I couldn’t ever live with myself if she grew up with images of a man pushing me around and leaving bruises on her mother. I’d have stayed until the day I died if not for my daughter. I spend every day paying the price for the sins I’ve committed, knowing that the pain is mine to bear.

    All I seek now is the truth, I just want to know what was real and what wasn’t. The truth is that I am still in love with someone that I don’t think was ever real and I spend hours every day lost in my head and day dreaming about the days before my world came crashing down. I want the truth because it’s the only thing that can set me free.

    I’m doing now what I should have done a year ago though, learning to be alone and learning who I am and how to be happy with the girl that stares back at me from the mirror. I suppose that’s where I find the most in common with your story, realizing that happiness can’t come from a relationship or a man but that it has to come from God and from with in. It’s a long hard road that I am staring down, much like the one you are on yourself.

    I do hope that you never settle though, whether you hate me or not or wish terrible things upon me. I don’t know if true love exists anymore, I think we find someone we can live with and trust and that’s probably as good as it gets. If fairy tales do exist though, I wish you all the luck of finding your prince charming just don’t kiss too many frogs along the way.

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