Posted By Mallorie on December 27, 2015
Sometimes I hear him behind me, following me from one room to another. I find myself listening for his paws padding across the floor. I can feel his eyes watching me so intently. At night I have felt him, his muzzle resting on my leg asking to be let into bed as he did so many times. I wake fully looking for him. I know he isn’t there, but the feeling is so vivid. I look for what might have caused the warm pressure on my leg, was it the cat? No, she’s sound asleep on my other side. I can feel him there.
Posted By Mallorie on November 19, 2015
Making it through the day has been the on going struggle. Outwardly I seem strong and put together. There are moments I truly am. Mostly though I’m a mess. I can’t bring myself to put away any of how things. I can’t bring myself to change my world from the way it was when he was here. Putting things away means he’s really gone. Mostly though it’s easier to be surrounded by reminders of him. I’m expecting the reminders in prepared for the memories. It’s the moments that I’m not surrounded by him that the littlest of things will remind me of him and I’m hit with a freight train of emotions. Those are the moments I dread. Those are the moments I crumble. Tonight it was a scar. Just a tiny little centimeter long white line. I had glanced down at my foot and couldn’t take my eyes off it. I had been playing soccer with friends and our dogs. I was off course wearing nothing but flip flops and went to kick the ball at the same time Renegade lunged at it. We were both so shocked that it happened. He was terrified when he saw the blood, the look of worry in his eyes. I was so worried about him I didn’t even notice what was happening. Did I hurt him? Was his mouth okay? Did I break on of his teeth? Where was the blood coming from? I couldn’t understand why he kept nursing me and trying to get away from my grasp while I tried to look him over. Then I saw what he saw. My foot. It was my blood. It didn’t hurt, not really. It just kept bleeding. I remember breaking the cut back open several times before it ever fully healed. Tonight, in that moment, looking at that scar brought it all back again. The fun. The laughter. The panic. Just one tiny scar brought me to tears.
Posted By Mallorie on October 18, 2015
Last night was full of nightmares again. Another night of tears. Another night of emptiness giving way to another day without my faithful protector.
I dragged myself out of bed early to go to an all day meeting. As if Sunday meeting wasn’t horrible enough, it just had to be all day as well. As the presentation started I knew right away This would be horrible. The very first words were describe your favorite pet. I broke immediately. A few of my coworkers tried to give answers. The rest watched my with empathetic pain as I cried on their shoulders. As the meeting continued it only got worse. So many discussions that brought up the end of life. Videos of euthanasia. My coworkers tried to protect and soothe me as we dragged through the meeting. I cried through nearly the whole morning. I had once again set off the heart monitor several times. When I couldn’t answer my phone to explain, the company paged my monitor giving me an escape from the torture of the presentation to call and have the monitor reset and explain why it had gone off again.
I was able to hold myself together after lunch. Disconnecting from everything to make it to the end. I cam home and collapsed into a chair from the exhaustion. I slept for a few hours until I was woken up for dinner by Steve and Toadi. I managed to make it through the rest of the evening with my guys there to keep me together. Their presence helps.
Posted By Mallorie on October 17, 2015
I finally was able to sleep without the nightmares. It was only 3 hours, but it was 3 hours of no nightmares. 3 hours of peace.
Posted By Mallorie on October 15, 2015
Sleep is such a double edged sword. I am so exhausted, so run down. Yet sleep refuses to come. For hours on end I am restless. For days now I haven’t gotten more than an hour or two of sleep. I drag through my days unable to look at people, unable to speak. At work I try to put on a strong face for clients, but when I’m away from those unfamiliar faces I turn into the shell that I truly am. I can barely get through the days. They just seem to stretch forever. Never ending hours of struggling through an act of normalcy. By the time I get home I just melt into a chair or Renegade’s room to watch TV disconnecting from the world and the pain. I can barely function. When I lay down to sleep I just stare at the walls and cry. People say just think of the good memories all your happy times together. Sure there are many of them, but each one also brings up a pain that he was there for. A trial in my life that Renegade had seen me through. The strength he had when I had nothing left. When I finally cry myself to sleep I dream of losing him all over again. The tears come again waking me up to the emptiness in his bed. To him not coming to comfort me. The cycle just continues as the hours tick by until the morning. Every night the same horror.
Posted By Mallorie on October 12, 2015
I really don’t know what I would do without the amazing people in my life. Today I did one of the hardest things and they were there. The outpouring of love they have sent since last night has just been so comforting. I had to move Renegade from the ER to my hospital today. One of my girlfriends came with me. My truck was still at the ER so we drove together to get him. We snuggled him onto his bed and wrapped him in his blanket for the car ride. As I carried him into our hospital my wonderful co-workers and friends came rushing to take him and wrap me in their arms. So many of them have known him so closely. A few have even known him as he grew up, others just over the last few years. So many of them with tears in their eyes. So many faces so near and yet so far away.
I was dragged to breakfast and forced myself to eat. I knew if I didn’t have someone there to remind me to eat, I wouldn’t do it. Steve made me eat dinner as well. As numb as I am right now I know they will keep me going on the outside.
Posted By Mallorie on October 11, 2015
I stayed in bed with Renegade all day today. He was so comfortable snuggling for several hours then would cough and be restless. All day we rested together. It was so comforting having him there. Tonight though he started coughing and just couldn’t seem to stop. When he finally did get back to breathing normally he had coughed up a small amount of blood. Steve and I decided to take him in to the ER. Renegade struggled to the hallway and didn’t want to go down the stairs. Steve carried him down to the truck and got him settled on his bed. Of course he then gets super excited for the car ride and trots into the ER like nothing is wrong. Several friends met us at the hospital to sit with us.
We waited in the lobby for about an hour and he only had one small cough. No blood and was so excited to see the other pets there. Once we got into the exam room he just wanted to say hi to the technician and the doctor and snuggle up to them. He was just so much his normal self, but all the energy he was exerting was starting to catch up. The doctor had to bring in a mat for him to stand on because he kept sliding on the floor.
We ran more blood work and compared it to his numbers from Wednesday. In just a few days my bouncing happy boy had taken such a turn. His blood work showed that he was bleeding internally. Even though I knew we were supposed to see the oncologist in just a few hours, I knew his breathing was only going to get worse. While the technicians placed a catheter, my girlfriend and I went to McDonald’s for some ice cream. I just couldn’t let him go without having a treat. He was so happy as he licked up the ice cream. I thought of so many times we’d had together. The fun we had shared. The hard times he had gotten me through. He was always there. Always protecting me, always supporting me.
He kissed me so comfortingly as he fell asleep. Laying his lead in my lap. I don’t know what I will do without him.
Posted By Mallorie on October 10, 2015
While I was at work this morning I got a text saying Renegade had fallen after coughing and didn’t want to get back up for a few minutes. Steve kept him in bed for the rest of the day but his cough has gotten worse. I had one of the doctors write a prescription to help make him more comfortable until Monday, but after trying several pharmacies no one seems to have it. By the time they can order it and have it in we will have seen the specialist.
Posted By Mallorie on October 7, 2015
I had to bring Renegade into work with me today. He has had a cough and its starting to concern me. He is still my happy bouncy boy, but the cough has been waking him up at night.
We ran some blood work and took some x-rays. We are worried about a few lesions in his chest. I am making an appointment with a specialist for Monday.